That’s the thing about the human brain, it blocks out memories, that would drive us insane, trauma and shock disperse into the air, as if it were never really there.
That’s what it was like for me, naive, innocent, I did everything right, wore my headscarf real tight, never went out at night. Yet I was still pillaged and plundered. All faith in humanity surrendered. Woke up in a puddle of blood, that was mine. After all the stages of grief, lost all my belief, I reclaimed myself with the lights off, again and again and again. Night and day blurred into one, trying to convince myself it was fun, not understanding what I’d become.
For that’s the thing about the human brain, we never truly forget, it remains in our veins, we’re never truly the same, because of the trauma we’ve sustained.
Describe it to me, he says. As if it’s so easy as if it’s not a million daggers slashing at my chest. As if his words could make it any easier, even though I know he’ll try his best. It’s like this I begin, even though I know it’s the end. Imagine the glass is half empty, yet there’s not enough air to take a breath. As if no matter how much you run, the race is never won. As if no matter how much you laugh, you’re never really having any fun. No matter how slow the touch, your breath never speeds up. There’s something missing, and baby you’re just not enough. It’s like looking at a rainbow and not seeing the colours, it’s like fire that freezes and ice that burns your fingertips to the touch. It’s the earth in the absence of rain, the moon in the absence of the stars, me in the absence of her. It’s bracelets that break, like the promises that once held them together. It’s running towards each other in your dreams as you push each other away under the covers. It’s seeing the heartbreak in their eyes as your words laced with gunpowder, are thrown in their face. It’s moving on to another, desperate to replace. For when a plaster gets pulled off, it just never sticks back on, in the same way.
There’s a man outside my window, knock knock knocking. I don’t know who he is and I’m not sure who I am. Fear is keeping me on the floor, locking the door. Feeling myself go crazy once more. Tick tick tick goes the clock, not enough tocks, not enough tocks, not enough tocks. I used to run, I used to shout, I used to dance about. What happened to that in the darkness of the night, what happened to that? Play pretend in the daylight and play dead in your dreams. What does it all mean, what does it all mean, what do all the full stops mean? Let me sip some medication until I can’t feel anymore. Let me drown and sing the blues on the ocean floor. Let the sea be blue from sadness of all the things that once were. Let blood fill cracks that never show, never heal, let lips seal against all the emotions we wish we wouldn’t feel. For agony is an emotion meant to be felt, not something to be dissected and spelt out.
It’s about to rain love, a monsoon of the heart, torrential winds that plan to tear us apart. Don’t go outside love, it’s not safe. There’s no one left for me, but you love, in this dire place. Their hatred for us is stagnant in the air. So, let me wash it off your face with my kiss and untangle it from your hair. Why is our love a sin when it ignites my very soul, more than any fire that has ever come from coal. You complete me, you make me feel whole. So, how can you ask me in the darkness of night, if there is a cure? As if you wanted to cleanse yourself of me and make yourself pure? If Adam had loved Steve would you be sure? Regardless, I will spend eternity loving you more.
The silence is deafening me my love, the lack of pounding in your heart drilling holes into me. How can they not save you my love? How can they not save me? If pain is love then cut me up for that will hurt less, than watching you leave me, kill me my love for to do so is to take away my last breath. If death is rest and tears can be kept, then lay me down into the ground surrounded by a million of yours. For if pain is love, then I must be love because the pain is consuming me, crushing my soul, tearing my family apart. Free me from this suffering but do not turn your back and call me selfish in the darkness of the night. Because I fought, I fought, I did fight. But I cannot breathe when you aren’t in the room, for you’re the one who held me in your womb. If to be close to you one last time, is to be pricked by a needle a thousand times, then prick me, a thousand more. Surrounded by meaningless apologies and empty goodbyes, to hug you one last time, I would lay down my life.
Be careful who you love//
Look me in the eyes and tell me again. Your phone died? Well why did I see you online then? I should’ve listened when they told me to love someone is to lose yourself? Is that what you wanted? Me to lose? I thought you loved me? I thought we had nothing to prove! Look me In the eyes and tell me our deep connection matters less than the feel of another’s body under your chest! Look me in the eyes and don’t you dare cry. This is not my fault don’t you dare try. Look me in the eyes and tell me I’m being crazy, tell me it’s all in my head. Look me in the eyes, dammit!! Where were you I know you lied! I should’ve listened to them when they said to give your soul to someone is to make a deal with the devil! Look me in the eyes and get up off the floor, I didn’t even hit you that hard, you stupid whore! Look me in the eyes when I talk to you or I’ll smash your head on the door! Listen to me baby, I’m sorry, that won’t happen no more, listen to me baby come home, Listen to me baby just answer the phone, I rang you 24 times and I’ll try 25 more. Listen to me baby, I’m sorry for the smack. Welcome home baby it’s nice to have you back. Listen to me baby you know it was your fault, you make me so mad, just stop being bad. I’m so sad, I’m so sad, everyone listen to me I’m so sad. I’m so upset officer, I swear I found her like that.
To whoever loves him//
I will not cry when you fill up the cracks in his face with the shadow of your touch or fix his very soul with your love. I may be burnt by the embers of your flame. But his lips will one day forget my name. Fix him, oh please won’t you fix him. I never meant to have it end this way. So, when my IV drip drains and he is free again. Love him more than I ever could, wipe his tears, help stop that flood. I may rage angry in the depths of hell, jealousy filling up my veins. But he deserves better than to envy my resting place. So please, oh please won’t you teach him to love again.